Fun with Okita
by innersexy
Summary: This is a humorous story about what Okita does on a snowy day in Edo. I have put my blood , sweat, and useless anime hours that will never help me in the future ahh into this. So Please read!
1. If snow creations go berserk, play dead

It was a normal winter day in Edo and (just like in Ohio) the ground was covered in snow. Our story begins outside Shinsemgumi headquarters where Toshiro Hijikata sat out on the porch happily smoking a cigarette and daydreaming about mayonnaise and all its wonders. He was completely unaware to the fact that a certain someone was targeting him with a large lethal weapon and that that certain someone had the intent to kill.

Sougo Okita was right around the corner aiming the large bazooka at Hijikata's over sized head. Now his dreams might have just been accomplished if he wasn't interrupted by something. And that something was the annoying cheeping birds that resided in the bird's nest in a large tree. The annoying, cheeping baby birds were just learning to fly while their annoying cheeping mother rooted them on. Now Okita, being the sadist that he was, could not let this "happiness" and "beauty" go unattended. He reaimed his bazooka to face the birds and grinned evilly.

Hijikata let out a puff of smoke and sighed as he quickly wiped a nose bleed away which he got from imaging a naked woman made completely out of mayonnaise. Suddenly, a large bullet whizzed by his head, and into a nearby bird's nest, killing its contents.

Hijikata quickly whipped his head to where the bullet had been fired.

"Score!" Okita said, in an almost monotone voice.

"You damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, "That could have hit me!"

"Nah," Okita responded, "I not that lucky Hijikata-san."

"Why did you have to come and ruin my happy time?!"

"Well it's not (sarcasm) like I was trying to kill you or anything…"

"Then why the hell are you here?!"

"I just wanted to show you the snow creation that I made last night."

"And why in hell would I want to see that?!"

"…"

"Well?!" Hijikata demanded

"…It's made out of mayonnaise," Okita explained.

Okita need say no more. Hijikata was at his side in a instant, "Well what are you waiting for?!"

Hijikata followed Okita to the front of headcounters where Okita had built his "snow creation".

"Well, hoe do you like it?" Okita asked.

Hijikata sweat-dropped. Okita's "snow creation" was a large sadist circle with roman pillars around the outside. In the middle of the circle there was a life-sized, life-like statue of Hijikata being pinned to the ground by a very evil looking Okita who had horns and was wielding an icicle as a weapon. (And it wasn't made of mayonnaise either.)

"It sucks," Hijikata responded. He then tried to grab Okita by his hair but realized that Okita was long gone. When he looked around for him he saw Okita far away surrounded by a bunch of bulletproof glass.

"You jerk! It took me all night to make that!" Okita complained, pressing a very ominous red button.

"Oh crap!" Hijikata exclaimed as he tried to run away form the about-to-explode "snow creation", but it was too late and the flaming smoke soon engulfed Hijikata.

Okita then smiled much like Light off of _Death Note_ did when L finally dies, "Buhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Now the position of vice commander will finally be…"

But Okita was interrupted mid-sentence by a sword being swung at his head. Now Okita, being Okita, easily dodged the sword.

"You damn brat," Hijikata glared.

"Oi. Hijikata-san. You're dead. No moving allowed."

Hijikata smirked, "I had a feeling you might do something like this today, so I came prepared wearing my… BOMB ABSORBING SPEEDOS!!!!"

Hijikata then ripped off his pants to revel the shiny and sparkly golden bomb absorbing Speedos.

"Oi Hijikata-san!" Okita exclaimed, "That isn't something that you should be showing minors, or be proud of! Put some pants on! You're going to catch a cold!"

"And why would you care?"

"If you catch a cold then Kondo will ban me from your room and then I will have less chances to kill you." Okita explained.

"If you're so worried about colds that why are you wearing a short-sleeved shirt? And why does it say Anarchist? You're an officer of the government!"

"It doesn't say Anarchist!" Okita responded, "It says Hamarchist! Gosh! Get a pair of glasses!"

"What's a Hamarchist?"

"It's a person who wants freedom for ham a.k.a. bacon. It's also a person who wants that damn vegetarian Yamazaki to stop lecturing him on his grease fat cholesterol intake, and how it's bad for his heart."

"So let me get this straight…"

"No, you can only get it gay."

"…"

"Just kidding, go ahead."

"Anyway… You were up all night making some demonic snow creation in –11 degree weather, in short-sleeved shirt that supports the freedom of pig ass?!"

"Yes, Sherlock."

"And you think I'm going to get a cold?!"

"Don't worry. I ate nice warm bacon throughout the night. Anyway, sadists don't get colds."

"I thought it was stupid people."

There was an awkward silence in which the two stared at each other and somewhere in the world a gay baby was born.

"So… Can I punch you?" Hijikata asked.

"No," Okita responded.

"Please, it won't hurt."

"No."

Hijikata leaped at Okita but Okita dodged and ran away.

"Get back here damn brat!" Hijikata yelled, chasing after Okita.

"N-," Okita turned a corner and crashed into Kondo.

"Ah, there you are Toshi and Sougo," Kondo said as Hijikata ran into Okita (Yay Dominos!).

"What do you want?" Hijikata asked as he wiped the nosebleed he got when he ran into Okita.

"Oi, Hijikata-san!" Okita exclaimed, also wiping a bloody nose "I know that I'm good looking, but it's illegal to get horny off of my boyish, under-aged body. You're under arrest!"

"Oi! You have a nosebleed to!"

"It's not illegal for me to get horny off a over-aged manlike body."

Hijikata blushed.

"Don't give yourself so much so much credit," Okita responded, "I was talking about Kondo."

"You damn bra-,"

"Ahem!" Kondo exclaimed, interrupting Hijikata.

Okita tried to hold back laughter, but couldn't help bursting out laughing.

"What are you laughing about?" Kondo asked.

"You stopped Hijikata-san at bra. I'm a damn bra!" Okita laughed.

Hijikata and Kondo sweat-dropped.

"Anyway," Kondo drawled, "I was just coming to remind Sougo that he had patrol duty… right now…" Okita didn't budge. "That means get a move on!"

"Do I get to drive?" Okita asked.

"No."

"Damn Kondom," Okita muttered.  
"What did you call me?!"

"I didn't say anything."

"…Really?"

"Yep." Okita responded to the obvious lie, "…Achoo!"

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "What was that sneeze for?!"

Okita looked surprised about the sneeze at first until he finally said, "I must be allergic to Hijikata-san. Let's get rid of him!"

"Damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, trying, and not succeeding, to punch Okita in the head.

Kondo was getting quite tired of this and preceded to grab Okita by the collar and drag him to the patrol car.

"Kondo-san," Okita complained, "This is sexual harassment."

Kondo ignored the comment and threw Okita into the passenger seat.

"Hello Captain Okita," Yamazaki said from the driver's seat, "I guess we're together."

Okita's eyes budged as horror music and bloody images went off in his head, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

But his screams were soon muffled by Kondo shutting the door, "Good luck!"

Hijikata snickered, "I guess sadists really do catch colds."

Kondo stared at him blankly, "Why do you say that?"

"I was trying to end this segment with something cool! And you ruined it!"

"…The segment doesn't end for another 2 seconds."

"Ah."


	2. Vegitarains can be awful friends

Okita was now stuck in the car with Yamazaki, who insisted on talking to him and insisted on him to answer.

"So what do you think?" Yamazaki asked, after he was done talking about his latest conspiracy theory.

Of course Okita hadn't paid attention at all, so he just muttered, "Yeah, that sounds nice."

"That sounds nice?!" Yamazaki exclaimed/yelled, which caused the half-asleep Okita to jump up in his chair, "How is the terrorist's plan to control our minds through eating meat like beef tacos and bacon nice?!"

Okita sighed, "Just calm down and eat some bacon." Okita held a bacon strip up to Yamazaki's face.

"NO!" Yamazaki exclaimed, trying to push the bacon away from his face, "I'm a vegetarian!"

"Eat the damn bacon!"

"No!"

Okita glared at Yamazaki. Sadist Mode: On.

"Yamazaki-kun," Okita drawled, "Eating meat isn't bad, in fact it is very good. Did you know that the latest tabloid said that farm animals like pigs, cows, and chickens were all ganging up with the terrorists and that they plan to overthrow the humans and Amato, and rule the world?"

"R-Really?" Yamazaki asked, getting caught in Okita's spell.

"Yes," Okita smiled an enchanting smile, "So the only way we can stop their rising up is to kill them, and to stop them from reincarnating, we must eat them to destroy sprit."

Yamazaki was almost completely brainwashed, "What do we do with the human terrorists?"

"Ummmmm…" Okita thought, "We must eat them too. All terrorists must be eaten."

"All terrorists must be eaten," Yamazaki repeated.

"Now eat the bacon."

"Must eat baco-,"

Suddenly Okita realized that Yamazaki had been paying attention to him the whole time, and not the street. They were now about to swerve into a large column of buildings.

Sadist Mode: Off

"Yamazaki!" Okita exclaimed, "Watch the road! You're going to kill us!"

"No," The still-enchanted Yamazaki said, "Must focus attention on destroying bacon terrorist!" Yamazaki bit at the bacon, but instead bit Okita's hand.

Sadist Mode: On

"You damn idiot!" Okita exclaimed, "How dare you bite your master's hand. Apologize you bastar-,"

And just at that moment the car crashed into a building and Yamazaki was released from his trance.

"Crap!" Yamazaki exclaimed, "Captain Okita! Captain Okita are you

alrigh-,"

Okita glared at Yamazaki with his red sadist eyes, "Ya. Ma. Za. Ki. Didn't I tell you to watch the road?"

Yamazaki then realized that Okita was not only in his Sadist Mode but when the car hit the building he had transformed into his Super Angry Sadist Mode.

"Damn!" Yamazaki ran out of the car as Okita angrily fired a bazooka at him. Well it took about 11 shots but in the end Okita landed one right on Yamazaki's butt, "Agggggh!!!!"

This was enough to satisfy Okita's Super Angry Sadist Mode, so it gave Okita's body back to normal Okita.

Other patrol cars had pulled up to the car Okita was in, all curious about what happened.

"Captain, are you injured?" one of the officers asked.

Okita stared at the officer blankly, "My head hurts."

"Do you need to go to the hospita-,"

"Captain! It's Katsura!" one of the officers yelled, pointing to the top of a building, "What should we do, Captain?!"

Well what Okita tried to say was 'Get Katsura's ass with a bazooka' but instead what came out was, "Get Kat cough cough s cough a cough zoo cough cough."

"Get cats a zoo?" one of the officers pondered, "What does that mean?"

"It must mean that he wants us to gather up a bunch of cats and then he wants us to build a zoo!" one of the other officers offered.

"How in hell will that help us catch Katsura?"

"I don't know, but it's the captain's orders!"

All the other officers agreed as football players do when you start talking about how the opposing team sucked (by the way, if you have never been to a football game, consider yourself lucky… oh the horror!).

Okita stared awkwardly at the officers as they all stormed off in a huge mob to go find a bunch of cats.

"What a bunch of idiots," Okita muttered, as he picked up his bazooka, "Guess I'll do this by myself."

Okita turned around and was about to fire his bazooka at Katsura, but was surprised to see that Katsura was standing right next to him.

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "Get your ass back on that building so I can shoot at you!"

"You are extremely rude," Katsura responded, "And I came here to give you something."

"What is it?"

"An apple," Katsura tried to hand a badly disguised bomb that was supposed to be an apple.

Okita stared at the bad excuse for an apple, "I can't. I have applephobia."

"Fine then it's a strawberry."

"I am not eating that bomb."

"It's not 'bomb' it's 'strawberry'," Katsura responded.

"…Hey, do you think that you could disguise a bomb as mayonnaise?" Okita asked.

"I'm the master of disguise."

Okita stared at him blankly for about 10 seconds.

"That means yes," Katsura responded.

Okita smiled like the purple cat from _Alice in Wonderland_ and gave off a presence like the Mad Hatter, which made Katsura retreat a few steps back.

"Oi, Katsura," Okita smiled, "Can you come over to the Shinsemgumi at 3 a.m. tonight?"

"It's not 'Katsura' it's 'Katsura'. And why would I want to do that?"

"Wouldn't you like to kill the vice commander of the Shinsemgumi?" Okita asked.

Katsura weighed his options. Hijikata was basically a hermit who rarely came out of the house, and if he did it would be at nighttime when Katsura was sleeping. Having the Captain plant a bomb was actually a very good idea.

"I'll be there," Katsura agreed, "But. I'm warning you, you might not recognize me. I'll be wearing a disguise."

They stared at each other.

"So are you going to take the bomb?" Katsura gestured to the apple/strawberry/bomb."

"No I don't believe I will." Okita responded

"I'll give you a hug."

"Don't make me stab you."

"Fine, but I just don't give my hugs out to anyone."

"I'll live."

"Good, I didn't want to hug you anyway." Katsura turned and started to walk away.

As Okita was watching him he suddenly felt a sudden wave of dizziness and his body felt like it was heating up fast. He tried to grab the rim of the car, but instead he grabbed the collar of Katsura's robe. As you might know, robe collars do not give much support, so this caused Okita to fall to his knees, and half of Katsura's robe to be pulled off, exposing his muscley upper body.

Extremely surprised (and somewhat embarrassed) Katsura turned around to see what was going on, "Oi! What are you doing?!"

Okita didn't respond. Instead he grabbed Katsura's hand and pulled him down with him. He then wrapped his arms around him and held him in a tight embrace.

"All this over a hug?" Katsura asked, "I really would have gave you a hug if you asked."

"…Cool," Okita muttered, "You're body is so cool."

"It's not 'Cool' it's 'Katsura'." Katsura shook Okita's body, "Oi! Wake up!" Katsura glanced at his watch, "Damn, it's almost time for the rerun of Sailor Moon!"

Katsura picked up the unconscious Okita and placed him in the back seat of the squad car, then ran to his house to watch _Sailor Moon_ (though I have to say that if I was left alone with Okita's defenseless body I would have done something a lot more inappropriate to him).

Just a few seconds later the police officers ran back to the car, and were about to tell Okita the happy announcement of how they found their first cat for the cat zoo. But they were surprised to see that when they got back that their Captain was unconscious in the back of the cruiser. In fact they were so surprised that the guy holding the cat didn't even notice when the cat bit him and ran away.

"What do you think happened?" one of the officers asked.

"I don't know," one of the female officers said, "But we should inspect his body for any injuries." The male officers gave her a strange look. "Don't worry! I'll do it!"

The female officer then proceeded to start to strip Okita, first staring with his Hamarchist shirt, and "inspecting" his body. She was about to get to his pants, but Okita suddenly woke up.

Super Angry Sadist Mode: On 


	3. When with a stranger, don't sleep walk

Soon after Okita went into Super Angry Sadist Mode, and after sacrificing the female officer to the great demon taco gods (oh yes, they're scary) he passed out again and was put in on of the un-crashed squad cars and one of the unlucky police officers, named Bakako, was given the job to drive him home.

What most people don't know is that when Okita sleeps without that creepy blindfold that he has, he starts to do weird things.

"Akuma," Okita muttered from the passenger seat.

"What?" Bakako asked, because that what people tend to do when they don't hear things.

"Akuma!" Okita exclaimed, his eyes darting to a half-open, zombie (or should I say zombrow) state.

"What are you talking about?" Bakako muttered. He didn't want to be here, driving the Shinsemgumi's brat home.

Okita suddenly lashed out at the man, who, in dodging, lost half of his hair. Well Bakako was extremely surprised and henceforth ran into a very random fat man that was crossing the street.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Bakako exclaimed, not bothering to stop for the random fat man he had just ran over.

"Must…destroy…akuma!" Okita exclaimed, lashing out at Bakako again.

"Ekkkkk!" Bakako exclaimed, losing the other half of his hair. Well this was quite enough for Bakako, so he calmly pulled the car over to the curb like a spastic fish on crack (yay! Oxymoron!) and dashing out of the car.

But running away isn't enough to stop Okita.

"Innocence activate, level two!" Okita exclaimed, "Giant exploding bazooka purifier of metaly death!"

"What part of that is purifying?!" Bakako exclaimed, running away from all the bazooka blasts.

Just as one of the blasts was about to hit Bakako, Hijikata randomly appeared and, like a ninja, grabbed Bakako around the waist and out of the way of the blast.

Hijikata smirked, "You're lucky I came at this time I-," Hijikata glanced down at Bakako's body, "Ah, I was too late." He then noticed that all the bystanders were staring at him weird. "Don't worry, Sougo sometimes thinks he's from a different anime when he falls asleep unprepared."

The bystanders continued to stare at him weird.

"What?!"

"Speedos! He's wearing Speedos!" an innocent old granny exclaimed.

Hijikata looked down at his lower half and, indeed, his pants had fallen down in the blast, to revel his shiny and sparkly gold bomb-absorbing Speedos.

After turning a deep shade of red, he quickly pulled up his pants, and discarded the dead body of Bakako, to turn and face Okita.

Okita gave a creepy smile, "We meet again, Skin Bolic."

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "How come I'm the ugly guy?!"

"Because truth is truth, Hijikata-san," Okita responded, completely normally.

Hijikata looked dumbfound, "Oi, oi, oi! When did you become normal?!"

"I was normal the whole time," Okita responded, "I just didn't like that guy very much." Okita pointed to Bakako. "He stared at me strange when I was sleeping."

Hijikata sweat-dropped.

There was a moment of silence before Okita finally said, "Innocence activate, level two! Giant exploding bazooka purifier of metally death!" Okita fired his bazooka at Hijikata.

Hijikata tripped/dodged the giant bullet that flew toward his head.

"Sorry Hijikata-san, my left eye sensed an Akuma, and I couldn't take the chance that it was you," Okita explained.

"You damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, doing a sweeping kick much like the one Kagura did to break Okita's leg, except the difference was that she succeeded.

"Hijikata-san," Okita said, "I don't feel well. Take me home."

"You know most people wouldn't say that so monotoned. That statement is completely unrealistic. At least put some more effort into it."

"But Hijikata-san, wouldn't it seem more fake if I put more effort. Children these days tend to put too much effort into lies, and it's going to end up ruining this country."

"Isn't kids putting effort into things good?"

"Don't agree with the man."

"We are the man."

"That's why I'm telling you not to agree with yourself. Because you're stupid." Okita explained.

"You little bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed, grabbing Okita by his collar, "I'll maim you!"

"Don't touch me Hijikata-san, you might infect me with mayo."

"Stop being so mean to mayonnaise!" Hijikata yelled, "It is a delicious condiment that can be used with anything (actually I prefer mustard : ) )!"

"H-Hijikata-san!" Okita exclaimed, "S-Stop yelling at me!"

"Why, are you gonna cry?" Hijikata jokingly asked. But then he felt something wet dripping on his hand.

He looked up to see if it was raining, but it wasn't. He then looked down at Okita's face, which was streaming tears, and his eyes looked completely terrified.

"Oi! Sougo! What's wrong?!" Hijikata exclaimed, releasing Okita from his grip.

"Oh, nothing much," Okita responded, "Though you kind of wrinkled my shirt. I expect you to pay for the dry-cleaning."

"You asshole!" Hijikata yelled, grabbing Okita by the hair, and swinging his fist at Okita's face.

Okita closed his eyes and prepared for the punch but he didn't feel it come. He opened one eye to see what was going on, and only saw Hijikata's face nearing his, "Oi! What are you doing?!"

Hijikata put his forehead up to Okita's, "You have a fever," he muttered.

There was a moment of silence.

"And you smell like mayonnaise," Okita responded.

"You little bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed, "If you weren't sick, I'd beat you up right now."

"Like you could."

"You're really pushing my buttons."

"It's not good to tell me such sexual desires."

"That's it!" Hijikata exclaimed, about to punch Okita, but he had already gotten up and walked away.

"Bye-bye Hijikata-san," Okita responded, "I'm going home." He threw an red object to Hijikata. "Here. Have an apple/strawberry."

Hijikata caught the apple/strawberry and examined it, "Oi! Why is this fruit ticking?!… Oh well. Needs mayonnaise." Then all of a sudden it hit him. "Sougo you damn brat!"

When Okita got back home (which was really the Shinsemgumi headquarters, because that's where all the officers live… I think) he had gone to bed and set his mental alarm clock for 2:55 a.m., and it was finally that time.

He begrudgingly opened his eyes, but was surprised to feel something heavy on his chest. He took off his blindfold and was even more surprised to see that the heavy thing was Hijikata. What was he doing sleeping on top of him? Okita knew that he was a bit of a pervert but trying to get in bed with people while they're sleeping is a pretty big low. He'd have to remember that in his next attempt to kill Hijikata.

But there was no time for that. He had to go get the mayonnaise bomb (you've heard of an atomic bomb! you've heard of a mustard bomb! but now we have the mayonnaise bomb!) from Katsura.

He tried to maneuver around Hijikata, and he was doing pretty well, until he felt a tickle in his nose and…

"ACHOO!" Okita exclaimed.

Hijikata jolted up, his eyes looking straight at Okita, "What's wrong?"

"What do you think is wrong?" Okita asked, "I wake up to a weirdo pervert in my bed, and you have the nerve to ask me what's wrong?! I was mortified. You've scared me for life, how does that make you feel?"

"You little bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed, "I originally came here to chew you out for that stupid apple/strawberry/bomb, but when I got in here you were gasping for breath and your fever was really bad! It was only human to help you out! Sorry I fell asleep saving your life!"

It was at this time Okita noticed the cold rag on his forehead, and he actually felt kind of grateful towards Hijikata, but he wasn't going to let him know that, "You drama queen. Leave me be when I'm sleeping! I don't want your help!"

"You little-" Okita got out of his bed and started to walk away. "Oi! Where are you going?!"

"I gotta pee," Okita responded, walking out the door."

"Oi! Wait up!"

"What?"

"I…gotta go too."

Okita glared at him, "You just want to come so that you can see my penis, don't you?"

"No, you damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, "I'm just… awake now… and it's night… and I'm kinda scared of being by myself."

Okita stared at him blankly before sprinting down the hallway, leaving poor Hijikata all alone.

"S-Sougo!" Hijikata exclaimed, looking out of the doorway, "D-Don't leave me all alone!" Hijikata staggered over to a corner and curled up into a ball, "Don't worry Toshi, he'll be right back… You'll be fine."

Then all of a sudden Hijikata's Smegal side appeared, "No, Toshi-kun, we must kill master, and we must take precious!"

"Stop talking to me! I don't know who the master is! Leave me alone! I don't want the precious!"

"Must get precious from master!"

"Who the hell is master?!"

"Master has brown hair and he is young and is short. He is very, very short."

"No! You couldn't be talking about Sougo!"

Smegal paused for a second, "Yeah, sure, that's him. We must kill Sougo and we must take the precious!"

Eventually Hijikata gave into Smegal's persuasion, "Yes we must kill to get precious."

After only a few minutes, Okita had successfully got the mayonnaise bomb from Katsura and was heading back to his room. He was actually kind of glad that Hijikata was there. He was staring to feel bad again and Hijikata's mother-like attitude toward the sick was actually nice.

"Oi, Hijikata-san! I'm back!" Okita exclaimed, about to go through the paper door.

But suddenly a blade came through it and Okita trip/dodged it and was now on the floor of the patio.

"Must kill master," Hijikata muttered though the inside of the door, "Must get precious."

Okita stared at him, "Oi, Hijikata-san, did we switch bodies." Okita looked down at his hands. "Ah. No."

Suddenly Hijikata leaped on top of Okita in a somewhat sexual way, "I want your precious!"

Okita then realized what he thought was going on, "You want my virginity! You weirdo! At least don't do it out here in the cold! Don't you have any sense of romance! You're supposed to get me drunk first!"

Well Smegal Hijikata obviously has never had a hint of sex in his entire life, so he just ignored what Okita said, and banged his head against the ground."

"Oi, Hijikata, my head is bleeding. Bleeding. You're really bad at sex, aren't you?"

Smegal Hijikata reached into Okita's shirt.

"Well now you're getting somewhere."

"I got it!" Smegal Hijikata exclaimed, holding the mayonnaise bomb, "I got the precious!"

He then ran off like Smegal to his room.

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "That's…Oh well." Okita tried to get up from the veranda, but he realized it wasn't worth the effort. "Too tired." And with that said he fell asleep.

The next morning Kondo woke up to find an unconscious Okita in a pool of blood outside his room and an unconscious Hijikata covered in ash inside of his room.

"Could this get any stranger?"

**Author: and yes it could, replied the, author who had just figured out how to use the liney separation things, yes it could.**

**Thank you, people who read this story you (and other things)**

**Are the reason that I writer these things**

**P.S. I do not own Gintama, if I did I would be a lot more famous then I was now.**


	4. Rape can be acceptalbe

When Okita first woke he was surprised to see that he was in his room, tucked in his bed. He was in a way-too-large-for-him blue sweater and his mouth tasted like the disgusting medicine that doctors give you for colds. He just wanted to sleep, but was soon interrupted by the voice of a gorilla.

"Oi, Sougo, are you awake?" Kondo asked.

"No. I'm riding a rainbow pony across a field of root beer berries while listening to Al Gore complain about global warming," Okita answered.

"Oh, so you are awake!" stated Captain Obvious, smiling like he had just said something smart and complicated.

Okita pulled off his blindfold, "What do you want?"

"Well, I found you unconscious outside of your room, and I was just curious to know what happened, "Kondo responded.

"Hijikata-san raped me," Okita replied bluntly.

"What?!" Kondo exclaimed, "He did?!"

Okita was surprised that Kondo seemed to believe him, so decided to go along with it. He let his eyes tear up and got into an innocent pose before sobbing, "Y-Yes he d-did. I w-was sleeping a-and he forced h-himself on me. I-I tried to t-tell him to s-stop, but he w-wouldn't listen to m-me. H-He was just so strong t-that I couldn't f-force him t-to stop. I-I guess it's m-my fault because I didn't t-try to stop his t-the first time."

"There were other times?!"

Okita forced himself to get more hysterical, "I-I'm sorry! H-He threaten m-me I was t-too scared t-to tell a-anybody." Okita latched onto Kondo. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Kondo stroked Okita's hair, and also started to cry like the big oaf he was, "You poor child! I had no idea that Toshi was so violent, You must have been put through so much pain, when was the first time?"

Okita was amazed at how stupid Kondo actually was, but he just continued to play along, "W-When I w-was e-eight."

"That sick bastard!" Kondo exclaimed, grabbing Okita's hand and pulling him towards the door.

"K-Kondo what a-are you doing?" Okita asked, wondering Kondo was pulling him violently towards the door.

"We're taking you to the doctor to make sure you didn't get any strange diseases!" Kondo exclaimed.

"EH?!" Okita exclaimed, but then regaining his composure, "B-But Kondo-san d-don't you t-think we would h-have noticed if I-I had any S-STDs?"

"Sometimes it takes awhile before you can tell."

"B-But-,"

"No Sougo!" Kondo exclaimed, "Don't try and protect Toshi! He did something terrible to you."

This was getting way out of hand. Okita knew that Kondo would have his ass when he realized that it was a lie.

"Oi, Kondo-san I-," Okita started.

But just at that moment Kondo ran into a sleepy, panda-eyed Hijikata who had just woken up from his bomb-educed sleep to take a leak.

"Ah, hi Kondo, damn brat," Hijikata muttered trying to walk past Kondo to get to the bathroom but Kondo moved to block his path, "Oi, what are you doing?"

"Toshi you bastard! How could you do that to poor Sougo?!" Kondo yelled.

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean at least don't do it outside, don't you have any sense of romance?!"

"Oi, why are you ignoring me?"

"I mean he's just a kid how could you be so-,"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU DAMN GORRILA?!" Hijikata yelled.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, you rapist!"

"EH?!"

"I know now that you've been forcing sex on Sougo since he was eight! I'm aware that you get stressed, but that's no reason to-,"

"But I never-,"

"Don't make excuses, I know that you-,"

"Actually, Kondo-san," Okita piped up, "Hijikata-san never raped me. I said it as a joke. I thought you were smart enough to realize that, but I guess not."

"So you mean that…"

"Yes, I'm a liar."

"But you were…outside…and bleeding...and…"

"Kondo-san, I hit my head on the patio."

It took a little while for the information to sink in, before Kondo got roaring mad, "YOU LITTLE BASTARD I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIED LIKE THAT-,"

"But Hijikata is the one who smashed my head on the patio, saying that he wanted my precious," Okita explained, "I don't know what he could have done to me after I was unconscious."

Kondo's glare turned to Hijikata.

"Ummmmm…" Hijikata said, "That's only because Sougo left me alone to develop into my Smegal state!"

Kondo's glare turned back to Okita.

"And that's because Hijikata tried to sleep with me."

This continued for a while until Kondo finally got tired of glaring, "I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED THIS, BUT YOU'RE BOTH BANNED TO YOUR ROOMS!"

"But my room exploded," Hijikata responded.

"THEN YOU'RE BOTH BANNED TO SOUGO'S ROOM!"

"But I don't want him-," Okita started.

"NO BUTTS!" Kondo exclaimed.

"But if I don't have a butt, then how can I sit?"

Kondo had enough of Hijikata and Okita's smartassing so he dragged them both by their hair and threw them into Okita's room.

There was a brief moment of silence.

"This is all your fault, you damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed.

Okita just gave him a blank stare.

"Don't ignore me!"

Okita just continued to blankly stare.

"Oi! Earth to Okita!"

"Hijikata-san, stop talking. You're annoying." Okita replied.

"_I'm_ annoying?!"

"Yes, I believe that's what I said."

" You're the annoying one!" Hijikata exclaimed, "How could you tell Kondo I raped you?! Do you even know what rape is?!"

"Of course."

"Oh really?!"

Okita looked kind of hurt, "Hijikata-san, my father used to rape me when I was young."

Hijikata looked surprised, "R-Really?"

"No."

"You bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed, pushing a very stunned Okita onto his bed, and kneeling over top of him, "I'll show you what rape is!"

Okita stared at him, "Hijikata-san, you're fly is down."

Hijikata looked down at his crotch, "Eh?! Wait, no its not!"

At this time Okita quickly maneuvered his body so that Hijikata was on bottom and he was on top.

"You think that you can show me what rape is?" Okita smiled, "You're 1000 years too early!"

"W-What are you-," Hijikata said.

Okita leaned down and licked Hijikata's neck, while his right hand started to undo his pants and his with his left hand he played with Hijikata's hair.

"S-Sougo!" Hijikata blushed.

"Just kidding," Okita responded, lifting himself off of Hijikata, "And you were getting into it too. I felt you getting hard. Pervert."

Hijikata launched himself at Okita, "You're dead you asshole!"

"Eh? You wanna put _what_ in my asshole?" Okita asked, "Hijikata-san that's really inappropriate."

"That's it!" Hijikata exclaimed walking away form Okita, "I'm moving to the left side of the room!"

"Hijikata-san, that's the right side of the room."

"I don't give a damn!"

"Hijikata-san?"

"What?!"

"Do you hate me?"

"Yes!"

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Do you hate my body?"

"Uhhhhhh… Yes!"

"You hesitated!" Okita exclaimed, "You really are a pervert! A gay pervert!"

"You're getting on my nerves!" Hijikata blushed.

"Do you want to kiss me?"

"N-No!"

"If I were to dress up in a sexy nurse uniform, would it turn you on?"

"O-Of course not!"

"Oi, Hijikata-san," Okita responded, "Your nose is bleeding. Why is your nose bleeding? Stop imagining dirty things."

"You damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Leave me alone!"

"Oi, Hijikata-san," Okita said as he crawled seductively over to Hijikata and breathing on his neck, "Do you like this?"

Hijikata cautiously turned his head to look at Okita. Okita was sitting seductively with his lips almost puckered and the left side of his giant sweater had started to slide down his arm.

At this point Hijikata got the biggest nosebleed in the history of nosebleeds that caused him to lose a lot of blood and get very pale.

"Oi, Hijikata," Okita said, pulling his sweater back up, "I was just teasing, stop being such a damn pervert."

But all of Okita's seductive teasing had been too much on Hijikata's heart, causing him to pass out, and drop a bottle of mayonnaise, on top of poor Okita who, one again, hit his head on the hard wooden floor.

"Oi, get off Hijikata," Okita mumbled, "You're…so…heavy." He stared at the clock. "Maybe five more minutes…"

* * *

Kondo wandered into Okita's room, "I hope you guys have learned-,"

Kondo looked around the room. The bed was unmade, the floor was covered in blood and white stuff, and Hijikata was on top of Okita. Kondo calmly walked out the doorway, closed the door, and ran away screaming.

* * *

**Author: So today in math my friend said I was like Okita. I wondered why as I aimed my rubber band gun at my math teacher, then passing the weapon over to the creepy Goth kid who smells like smoke. Things can be ironic, huh? **


	5. Some men are doublejointed

Dreams can be annoying bastards. At least this is what Okita learned. He was happily sleeping in a giant plate of bacon, when a pink and purple unicorn came up to him.

"Hey, Sougo! Let's go to Candy Mountain!" the pink one exclaimed.

"Candy Mountain!" the purple one mimicked.

Okita stared at the two blankly, before pulling a bazooka out of nowhere and blowing their brains out.

Indeed, dreams can be annoying bastards. (There is a moral to this, believe me.)

Okita woke up to the smell of smoke, and the sight of a giant black-haired mayo monster sitting next to him.

Okita sat up and flicked the cigarette out of Hijikata's mouth.

"Oi! What was that for?!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"You can give yourself cancer when I'm not around to receive the secondary smoke," Okita explained, "Now get your ass out of my room."

"We're still banned, you damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, "In fact our sentence has been doubled."

"Why, what did you do?"

"Oi! How come this is suddenly my fault? You don't even know how I was going to respond!"

"Hijikata-san, look at yourself. Everything in the world is your fault. Even the Loch Ness monster."

"How's that… I don't want to know," Hijikata mumbled, "Kondo walked in on us 'having sex'."

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "What did you do to me? I better not be pregnant! You're paying child support!"

"I didn't do anything, it was a misunderstanding," Hijikata explained, "Kondo is an idiot."

"I didn't know we were having a point-out-the-obvious contest!" Okita exclaimed, "My turn! Hijikata-san is going to die in seven days!"

"Eh?"

Okita handed Hijikata a video, "Just watch this and when a zombie-like girl from a well comes to you, don't run. Let her get you…she's nice (sarcasm is a fun thing)."

"You annoying bastard! I saw that movie too!"

"Did you scream?"

"O-Of course not!"

"Hijikata-san is scared of the well-lady!" Okita yelled at the top of his lungs.

Hijikata covered Okita's mouth with his hands, "Quiet! It's embarrassing! If word gets out that I'm afraid- Ow! You bit me!"

"Next time your hand comes off," Okita responded.

"I'm leaving!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"Where are you going?"

"Bathroom," Hijikata muttered, walking out of the door.

"Have fun!" Okita exclaimed.

Hijikata stared at him awkwardly, before shaking his head and leaving the room.

"I'm bored," Okita muttered after about two seconds. He walked over to the radio (the TV had been confiscated) and turned it on. Playing was Okita's favorite song: Single Ladies by Beyonce, and he new the dance moves by heart. (If you don't know what the music video is, the dance consists of many pelvic and chest thrusts, among other seductive dance moves.)

"Ahh, that was a good pee," Hijikata muttered, opening the door to Okita's room, "Sougo, I-," And that's when he noticed Okita dancing to Beyonce's Single Ladies. "I-I-I-I…"

Now most people (particularly males) might stop dancing and start blushing when caught dancing to Beyonce's Single Ladies, but Okita isn't most people, "Yo, Hijikata-san, wanna be my back up dancer?"

"I-I-I-I-I," Hijikata stuttered.

"A simple no would have worked."

Hijikata's hormones couldn't take this much more, so he quickly ran back out the door and shut it, while his nose bled rivers.

Kondo had been randomly walking down the hallway and saw that Hijikata was out of Okita's room, "Oi, Toshi! What are you doing out of Sougo's room?"

"I couldn't take it anymore, Kondo," Hijikata muttered, "It's just to much for me… That kid just keeps teasing me. Kondo make him stop!"

"Alright, Toshi, I'll see what Sougo's up to," Kondo responded, not thinking that Okita couldn't really do anything to be that sexually appealing. He walked into Okita's room. Okita had just entered the near ending scene where the dance goes all-out.

"Yo, Kondo, do you wanna be my back up dancer?"

Kondo quickly ran back out the door and shut it, his nose bleeding rivers, "That would turn any straight man gay."

"Ya," Hijikata responded.

There was a moment of silence.

"Wanna…you know…check if he's finished?" Hijikata asked.

"Yeah, because it's not like we want to see him dance or anything," Kondo responded.

"Because that would be completely inappropriate."

"Yeah!"

Hijikata and Kondo opened the door dramatically at the same time, like it they were doing a brave thing or something. But when they entered the door they were surprised to see Okita collapsed on the floor.

"Oi! Sougo! What happened?!" Kondo exclaimed.

"Kondo-san my head hurts," Okita complained.

"This is your fault, Toshi!" Kondo exclaimed, picking up Okita, "You and your sex!"

"We never had sex!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"Then how else could he be like this?! You gave him AIDS didn't you! You murdered my son!"

"He's not dead!" Hijikata exclaimed, "And he's not your son! Oi, Sougo, speak up for yourself!"

"Hijikata-san did it," Okita mumbled, "He killed me."

"No, that's not what I meant."

"Oh no, my poor Sougo!" Kondo exclaimed, "Don't worry, I'll get revenge on Toshi! I'm going to go report him to the police!"

"Oi, Kondo-san you are the police."

"Don't talk, Sougo!" Kondo exclaimed, squeezing Okita in a large literally breath-taking hug, "You'll only kill yourself more!"

"Kondo-san…" Okita gasped through the hug, "You're the one killing me more."

"Oh no!" exclaimed Kondo, dropping Okita and running out the door, "I'll find the police!"

Hijikata glared at Okita, "You did this on purpose didn't you, brat?"

"Leave me alone," Okita muttered, curling himself up into a ball.

"Oi, answer me properly you brat!" Hijikata stomped on Okita (like many Gintama characters do to each other).

"Stop it Hijikata-san! I-I-I…" Okita started to sob loudly.

"I'm not falling for it again!" Hijikata responded, "The moment that I feel worried for you you're just gonna reply with one of your smartass comments!"

Okita continued to sob.

"You're a persistent bastard, aren't you?" Hijikata pulled Okita up by his hair, "If you don't stop all of your hair is coming out."

Okita just stared at Hijikata with a frightened face.

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Respond! Lash out at me! Hit my nose with a newspaper! Do something!"

"H-Hijikata-san, l-let me go!" Okita sobbed.

Hijikata stared at Okita's face. His eyes were full of tears and his cheeks were red but the rest of his face was very pale. Hijikata released Okita. Okita tried to crawl to bed, but he collapsed again.

"Oi, Sougo!" Hijikata exclaimed, dashing over to him, and feeling his forehead, "Damn it!" Hijikata positioned Okita on his back. "We have to get you to a doctor!"

"Whoo, horsey ride!" Okita exclaimed

"YOU DAMN BRAT!!!!!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"Oi, faster you ass!" Okita exclaimed, kneeing Hijikata in the back.

"I WAS REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!" Hijikata yelled, flipping Okita off of his body.

"Don't be so rough, Hijikata-san. The fever is real."

"Really?"

"Yes," Okita responded, "My flashlight ran out of batteries and stoves are dangerous, so I couldn't have faked this."

Hijikata felt Okita's head again.

"You just like touching me, don't you?" Okita asked.

"Shut up you bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Get to bed, if you keep on stressing your body so much you might develop pneumonia."

"What's pneumonia, mother?" Okita asked, pronouncing the 'p' in pneumonia.

"Shut up you brat, you know what it is!"

"It's no nice to yell at people who have pantheritious."

"It's pneumonia."

"Polygon."

"Pneumonia."

"Papaya."

"Pneumonia."

"Pineapple."

"Pneumonia."

This most (not) interesting conversation was soon interrupted by the voice of a very lazy silver-haired samurai.

"Oi, mayonnaise assassin! Where are you?" Gin exclaimed, "Ah, this isn't working. Kagura go set the bear traps with mayonnaise."

"You heard him Shinpachi!" Kagura responded.

"Oi! He asked you!" Shinpachi exclaimed.

"Go or I'll get Sadaharu to crap on your head!"

"Yes Gura, sir!"

"Stay here," Hijikata said to Okita, "When I get back I expect you to be in bed."

"Yes, I'll start counting," Okita crawled into bed and pulled on his blindfold, "First corpse of Hijikata. Second corpse of Hijikata."

"Would you stop that?!"

"…Third corpse of Hijikata."

"Ah, I don't even car anymore!" Hijikata exclaimed, walking out to where the three main idiots were. "What do you bastards want?!"

"Ah, Hijikata is as cold as ever," Gin responded.

"Oi!" Kagura exclaimed, "Go for the mayonnaise bear traps! Shinpachi worked hard to put those up! And I'm not a bastard, I'm a bitch, you bastard!"

"Why the hell are you here?!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"Did you lose this?" Gin pulled Kondo from behind his back, "He came to us thinking we were the police. It's best to keep your pets on leashes."

"No, don't trust him! He's a son murderer!" Kondo exclaimed.

"Geez, what are you rambling on about again?" Gin sighed, "Hijikata, did you kill Okita?"

"No, you bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"There, case closed," Gin decided, "Now I can get back to my JUMP."

"That is a negitiory, Gin," Shinpachi said.

"Eh? Why."

"Sadaharu peed on it!"

"That damn mutt! I'm gonna skin him!" Gin exclaimed, "Come on Shinpachi, Kagura, we're going home!"

"You can't leave me alone with him!" Kondo exclaimed, "He might go after me next!"

"Oi! Get off my leg!" Gin exclaimed, "Come on guys- Eh? Where'd Kagura go?"

That question was soon answered by a loud yell from Okita's room.

"KING ME!!!!!" Kagura yelled.

Everyone dashed over and open the Okita's room and open the room's door.

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "I can't king you! We're playing monopoly!"

"KING ME!!!!!" Kagura yelled again.

"YOU JUST DON'T WANNA PAY UP BECAUSE YOU LANDED ON MY HOTEL!!!!!" Okita yelled.

They then both threw random punches at each other. Everyone, besides the two said idiots, stared down at the game board. Candy Land.

**Author: So I was bored at school, and started to wonder what it would be like if I were friends with Okita. I decided it would go something like this:**

**Momo (that's me!) was changing into her clothes to go to school. She was just in her undergarments when suddenly Okita ran into her room without knocking.**

**"Momo- Is this a bad time?" Okita asked.**

**We stare at each other for a long time until I blink.**

**"Dammit!" Momo exclaimed.**

**"So, anyway-," Okita started.**

**"Wait, since I'm practically naked, it's a little awkward that you're not. So if you could please strip, that would be nice."**

**Okita then obediently takes off all his clothes besides his boxers and continues on with what he had to say, "Carnivores eating herbivores is on Animal Planet."**

**"Oh my god! Why didn't you say that to begin with?"**

"**I tried!"**

"**No time for talking!"**

**They both run out of Momo's room and plop in front of the TV (still only in their underpants) and watch the latest episode, FAT MAN EATING A VEGETARIAN.**

**All of a sudden Hijikata walks in and stares at the strange site for a few second, decides he doesn't even want to know what's going on, and walks away. Silly Hijikata. He'd never understand.**

**P.S. I don't own Gintama, if I did I'd have a fetish for mayonnaise and think that strawberry milk is a lot sweater than it is. **


	6. Ice cream, in some cases, tastes awful

"Oi, Kagura, it's time to go!" Gin exclaimed.

"Sougo, get your ass to bed!" Hijikata exclaimed at the same time Gin had yelled at Kagura.

"SHUT UP!!!!!!" Okita and Kagura exclaimed, both grabbing the ends of the Candy Land game board and chucking it at Hijikata and Gin (kinda ironic how they are the same height).

Well, of course, the board was dead on, smacking both of the dead-fish eyed men right on the nose.

"Okay, new strategy," Gin muttered, as he got back up from being knocked over by the board.

"We don't stand next to each other?" Hijikata asked.

"That could work."

Gin and Hijikata moved so that they had Shinpachi and Kondo were in the middle.

"Yosh!" Gin exclaimed, "Now see if you can hit us both!"

"Oi, China," Okita whispered, "They stole our game board."

"Why would they do something like that?" Kagura whispered.

"What are you guys talking about?!" Shinpachi, the straight man, exclaimed.

"Oi, the straight man made us seem stupid," whispered Okita.

"What should we do about it?" Kagura whispered back.

"Let's throw something at him."

"Yeah!"

Kagura pulled out her umbrella and Sougo pilled out his bazooka, and they both shot at Shinpachi.

"How's that throwing something?!" Shinpachi exclaimed as he ran away from the bullets.

"You think he'd learn not to respond to they're stupidity!" Kondo laughed

"Oi, gorilla just called us stupid, and made a joke that isn't funny," Okita whispered.

"Let's throw him into the dumpster!" Kagura exclaimed.

"No," Okita responded, "That wouldn't be cool… Lets hang him on the falg pole by his underwear!"

In a matter of five seconds Kondo was hanging form the flag ple by his underwear, while the childish duo was laughing at him.

All that remained was Hijikata and Gin. Kagura and Okita turned around evilly.

"Oh shit!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"No, pretend not to be afraid!" Gin exclaimed, "Just get out your sword and stand your ground!"

"But Kondo took away my sword when he put me on restriction!" Hijikata complained.

"Here!" Gin exclaimed, throwing Hijikata a green object, "Use this zucchini!"

"How the hell am I going to use this zucchini?!"

"Would you prefer to use my squash?"

"Why the hell are you carrying around gourds?!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"Oi! That's none of your business! Everyone has their little secrets!"

"What type of secret is this?!"

"Stop complaining!" Gin exclaimed, "They're coming!"

Gin and Hijikata fought their hardest, but they were soon overpowered by the two kids (and not to mention Okita got a hold of Hijikata's zucchini).

"Hijikata-san," Okita smiled, pinning Hijikata to the ground and holding the zucchini in front of his face.

"O-Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "What do you think you're going to do with that?!"

"I'm gonna make you eat it."

"Raw?!" Hijikata exclaimed, though he didn't find this to be much of a torture attempt.

"And without mayonnaise."

That's when Hijikata realized the extent of this torture, "NOOOOOOO!!!"

Okita then forcibility forced the zucchini into Hijikata's mouth, while Hijikata cried at the taste of no mayonnaise.

Kagura had soon pounced Gin and pinned him too, holding a container of white milk.

"Oi!" Gin exclaimed, "What are you going to do with that?!"

"I'm gonna make you drink it!" Kagura responded.

Gin gasped, "But that's white milk! I only drink strawberry milk!"

Kagura laughed evilly, "I'm aware." Kagura then stuck a funnel in Gin's mouth and poured the milk down it.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMPHH!!!!!!" Gin exclaimed as the milk was being forced down his throat.

Well then both Gin and Hijikata both went into some type of body shock, from receiving such abnormal foods (at least to them). Okita and Kagura stared at each other, both of them realizing that they were the only ones left. They both quickly assumed a fighting before exclaiming, "ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS, SHOT!!!!"

When they chant finally ended, Kagura had rock and Okita had paper.

"You bastard!" Kagura exclaimed.

"You're just jealous of my superior skills." Okita gloated, starting to walk away.

"Oi!" Kagura exclaimed, "Where the hell are you going?!"

"Bed," Okita responded, "And don't follow me unless your are prepared to strip and sleep with me."

"And what if I am?!" Kagura exclaimed.

"Just go home. You aren't going to win this argument."

"Fine, I'll going home," Kagura responded, "But not because you told me so! I have an important infomercial I have to see." She dragged the bodies of Gin and Shinpachi behind her, "YOU BASTARD!!!!"

"She totally likes me," Okita muttered as he walked into his room.

* * *

It took Hijikata a few hours to wake out of his no-mayonnaise coma and still another hour to get Kondo down from the flagpole.

He then ran to Okita's room in an angry rage.

"YOU DAMN BRAT!!!!" Hijikata yelled as he burst through the door.

"Oi, Hijikata," Okita muttered, rising up from his bed, "Don't use your outside voice inside."

"I WILL YELL WHEN EVER YOU WANT!!!" Hijikata exclaimed, "HOW THE HELL COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME THEN JUST COME HERE AND SLEEP?!"

"Actually, I never fell asleep," Okita responded.

"I don't care about you or sleeping problems! No one would fall asleep counting such weird things!"

"It wasn't my normal sleeping problems," Okita complained, "My stomach feels weird."

Hijikata stopped yelling, "Really? Are you going to puke?"

"No, it's not that kind of weird," Okita exclaimed, "It kinda feels like its squeezing together, and it makes strange grumbling noises."

Hijikata stared at Okita blankly, before screaming, "DON'T BE SUCH AN IDIOT! THAT'S THE FEELING OF HUNGER!!!!"

"Ah."

"DON'T JUST- Oh, never mind!" Hijikata muttered, "When the last time you ate?"

Okita thought for a second, "Dinner, two days ago."

Hijikata smacked Okita on the head, "Do you plan on having this cold for the rest of your life?! You need to eat to get better!"

Okita stared at Hijikata, "I want ice cream."

"Eh?"

"That's what to give to sick people."

"I think you're mistaking that for getting your tonsils removed," Hijikata sweet dropped.

"But I want ice cream."

"I'll see what I can do," Hijikata muttered, walking towards the door, "Just get back in bed."

"Yes mother."

"And stop calling me that!"

Okita laid back down in bed, and tried to sleep by counting the tiles on the ceiling. It didn't work. He tossed and turned, but nothing was a success. But all of his moving around had caused on of the loose tiles to fall off the ceiling and smack him in the face. Success.

* * *

"Oi, Sougo, wake up!" Hijikata exclaimed, kicking Okita, "I got ice cream."

"Feed it to me," Okita muttered lazily, not bothering to open his eyes.

"Like hell!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Feed yourself."

Okita sat up and glared at Hijikata, as he snatched away the large bowl of ice cream, and pulled his bazooka from out of nowhere and shooting at Hijikata.

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, his Speedos absorbing the blast, "What the hell was that for?!"

"Damn Speedos!" Okita exclaimed, "Do they have any weaknesses?"

"Actually when they absorb the blast it hurts my penis a bit."

"You want me to kiss it better?" Okita asked.

Hijikata turned scarlet.

"Ah! You actually want me to! You pervert!" Okita exclaimed, taking a large bite of the ice cream, "Oi, Hijikata-san. What flavor is this?"

Hijikata smiled, also holding a bowl of ice cream, "I got mayonnaise, that way I could have some too. Though I have to say, that I'm kinda disappointed, I thought it would taste more like mayonnaise."

Okita stared at Hijikata wide-eyed.

"What?"

Okita dropped the bowl of ice cream on the floor, quickly sprang up, and ran towards the door.

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Where are you going?!"

"Bathroom," Okita muttered running out the door, "Going to be sick."

"Eh…EH?!"

Hijikata wandered to the nearest bathroom, and walked into it hearing strange noises form one of them.

Hijikata knocked on the stall door, "Sougo, are you okay?"

"No." Okita responded, "You poisoned me with dog food."

"It isn't dog food!" Hijikata exclaimed, "It'd delicious!"

Okita walked from out of the stall, looking worse than before.

"Sougo, you look awful!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"So do you," Okita muttered, "What trend are you following, the half-dead mutt style?"

"You little bastard I-," Hijikata started, but was interrupted by Okita holding out his arms, "Eh?"

"I'm tired. Carry me. Just don't touch me in any weird places," Okita responded.

Hijikata was kind of surprised by this, but he obeyed anyway, picking up Okita princess style.

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "I don't wanna be carried like this! I'm not your bride, you bastard!"

"No," Hijikata responded, "You could choke me if I carry you piggy-back style!"

Okita continued to complain (and sometimes threaten) until Hijikata finally waked into Okita's room (with many newly added bumps to his head).

"There was that so bad?" Hijikata asked, laying Okita in his bed.

"Yes," Okita responded, "Go back and do it again until you get it right!"

"No!"

There was a moment of silence.

"Hijikata-san?" Okita asked.

"What?"

"Can you… sing me a lullaby?" Okita asked.

Hijikata smiled widely, "Why? Is it because of some sentimental memory of the past? When you were a baby did your mom sing to you, and that's the only memory you have of her? Did your sister used to sing to you? Is something else that proves that you have a trace of a heart?"

"No," Okita responded, "I just know that you have a terrible voice and that my ear drums would soon send a message up to my brain to make me pass out."

"You bastard my-," Hijikata started.

But he was interrupted by a very flustered Yamazaki who ran into the room, "Vice Commander, Captain, we're under attack!"

* * *

**Author: Ah, dramatic cliff-hanging ending. Don't you just hate them? Anyway, today I was rubbing my cat's, Turtle, belly, and for no reason she decided to bite and scratch my hand. I thought she was just playing, but just to be sure I asked one of my other personalities, Jim.**

"**Jim, why did the cat attack me?" I asked.**

"**Because you're an annoying bastard!" Jim exclaimed.**

**Ah. Case closed.**

**P.S. I do not own Gintama, if I did Gin would be trapped in a cage and I would force him, by whip, to strip for me. **


	7. Pet finder chips can come in handy

Hijikata and Okita stared at Yamazaki blankly before Hijikata asked, "Yamazaki, did you take your meds?"

"What does that have to do with the fact that we're being attacked?!" Yamazaki exclaimed.

"Who in their right mind would attack the Shinsemgumi Headquarters straight on?" Okita asked.

"It's…" Yamazaki stopped for a dramatic pause, "The Nematodes."

"Oh, like the things from SpongeBob?" Okita smiled.

Hijikata and Yamazaki stared at Okita blankly, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Okita stared back, "It's not my fault that you guys have never seen SpongeBob. What type of childhood did you guys have?"

"The Nematodes are a terrorist group," Hijikata explained.

Okita chuckled, "Who'd name their terrorist group the Nematodes?"

"I think you're missing the point."

"I think you're missing your brain."

"Oh, you had to go there didn't you?!" Hijikata exclaimed, "It's always about smartness with you!"

"Ummm…anyway," Yamazaki interjected, "They've kidnapped Kondo!"

This took both Hijikata and Okita by surprise and they both quickly grabbed their swords that were in the corner (the had been bad swords). Okita would have been the first one out the door, but Hijikata grabbed his sleeve.

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"What the hell am I doing?!" Hijikata exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing?! You're not going outside to fight terrorists when you have such a bad cold! Go back to bed!"

"Just try and stop me!" Okita exclaimed.

There was a moment of silence before Okita started to swoon and passed out on his own.

Yamazaki stared at the sight, "Where you planning that?"

"Nope!" Hijikata responded, "I guess this is just my lucky day!"

"Will he… be okay?"

"Don't worry, he's immortal."

Yamazaki was just about to ask for an explanation but Hijikata had already run out the door. He looked down at Okita who was half in the room and half out the door and being the good-natured little ninny he was, he couldn't just leave Okita there. He pulled Okita onto his back and started to walk over to his bed.

"Yamazaki?" Okita muttered.

"Yes Captain?" Yamazaki responded.

"Why does your hair smell like strawberries?"

"That would be because I use strawberry shampoo."

"Ah."

Yamazaki laid (and not in the sexual way) Okita down in the bed, wondering what the point of that conversation was before running out the door.

* * *

Hijikata stood to face the Nematodes. They were an ugly race. I mean with their two eyes and their hair and their four limbs. And not to mention that they had a nose, ohh that terrible, terrible nose. It was a race that only could be deemed with the name: Human.

"Oi, you bastards!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Where did you put Kondo."

"Oh, well if it isn't the demon Vice-Commander of the Shinsemgumi?" one of the Nematodes asked in a high-pitched squeaky voice, "Here to save your little Commander?" All his friends then laughed like he had said something cool (he didn't).

Hijikata glared at them, "Stop acting like you know me just because you want your friends to think you're cool! You. Are. Not. Cool. I'm the only cool one who's allowed in this anime!"

Then the guy from the 'hard-boiled' episode randomly floated by, "And me!"

He was then shot out of the sky by a random bazooka, and holding that random bazooka was a very random Okita, who then shot the stupid Nematodes and his stupid friends.

"Oi, Sougo!" Hijikata exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"It's not my fault," Okita responded, "You fell for the pass out trick and then Yamazaki left me all alone and thought that I would get up to try and kill people."

"Damn Yamazaki!" Hijikata exclaimed, pushing all the blame off to Yamazaki.

"Hijikata-san, where do you think Kondo is?"

"He's in my pocket," Hijikata stated sarcastically.

"Well if he's in your pocket, I suggest that you let him out, it's kinda hard to breathe when your stuck in a pocket," Okita responded.

"I was being fictitious!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"What does that mean?"

"It's like sarcasm."

"I know."

"Than why the hell did you ask?!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"Because I was being fictitious when I said I didn't know what fictitious meant."

"You're annoying!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Go back to bed!"

"No. We have to find Kondo," Okita responded, pulling out a gaudy (one of my 6th grade vocab words) machine that kind of resembled a gameboy.

"What's that?" Hijikata asked.

"I had a chip installed in Kondo in case he ever got lost."

"Do they allow that on humans?"

"No, but when I took him to they vet they didn't question me. In fact, they said that it was a good idea to put chips into pet gorillas, because they run away a lot."

Hijikata stared at the small screen that was on the device that Okita held, "Then why is there a Pokemon battle going on in the detector?"

"Because this is my gameboy," Okita explained, "I kinda stuck. The Elite Four is really hard to beat."

Hijikata looked down at the game, "Oi! Use Bite! Use Bite!"

"No! Why would I use Bite?! That's a stupid idea! It has barely any effect on a Dragon-type Pokemon!"

Hijikata was just about to argue when he realized what he was doing, "Oi! Why the hell are you playing Pokemon when we need to save Kondo!"

"Ah, that's right," Okita responded, getting out a very small raisin looking piece of machinery, "He's underground. In a basement. Actually it's the Shinsemgumi's basement."

"You figured all that out by looking at a raisin?!" Hijikata exclaimed, "What are you a raisin whisperer?!"

"You idiot," Okita responded, "Didn't you read that paragraph about your complaint. It's not a raisin, it's a very small raisin looking piece of machinery, not a raisin."

"Ah."

There was a moment of silence before Okita said, "Okay, it is a raisin, I actually got the memo from a hearing device in my ear."

"You little bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"No time for talking, Hijikata-san," Okita responded, walking towards the basement of the Shinsemgumi, "We have a gorilla to save."

Hijikata just muttered something inappropriate and wandered after Okita. They soon entered the basement of the Shinsemgumi and realized that it actually had not been cleaned in a while. It had dust everywhere and cobwebs stuck to the wall and also to the various skeletons of poor souls that had been trapped down there and never been found.

"S-Sougo," Hijikata stuttered, "Ummm… are you s-sure that Kondo is down here and not…I don't know, a place with more sunshine?"

"Don't be so frightened, Hijikata-san," Okita responded, "Only like eighty people have ever died down here."

"S-Seriously?!" Hijikata didn't take that as much of a comfort statement.

"Well, actually that's a rough estimate. Probably more."

Hijikata then clinged to Okita.

"Oi! What do you think you're doing?!" Okita exclaimed, "Let go of me! Behave like an adult!"

"What are you talking about?" Hijikata asked, "I-I'm not clinging to you, I'm just making sure you're stable, and you are!"

"Then why aren't you letting go?" Okita asked, "And why are you shaking?"

"Well, why are you shaking?"

"Hijikata-san, I have a fever over 105 degrees, I should be in bed right now. I have a right to shake," Okita responded, "Actually I think that I will go to bed, bye-bye Hijikata-san."

"No! Wait!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Don't leave me!"

Okita stared at Hijikata.

"Ummm…" Hijikata drawled, "Because the people who captured Kondo might be super-strong and I might need your help to defeat them."

"Yeah, that's why," Okita responded sarcastically.

So Hijikata and Okita walked though the basement and eventually got to the end room, where the found the Nematode's boss and Kondo tied to a chair.

"You guys came for me!" Kondo exclaimed, "I feel so touched!"

"Don't celebrate yet!" the Nematode boss exclaimed, "You still have to get past me!"

Hijikata drew his sword, but Okita didn't. He just walked by the man and straight to Kondo, untying him.

"Thank you for your service," Okita bowed as he walked past the man again, with Kondo in tow.

"These guys aren't really all that strong are they?" Hijikata asked.

" No," Okita responded, "I believe that they are not."

"You sneaky bastard!" the Nematode's boss exclaimed. He lashed out at Kondo with his sword.

Okita saw the sword coming and, out of reflex, he preformed a very nice and sacrificial thing. He pushed Hijikata in the way of the blade. Unfortunately for Okita, Hijikata also pulled his sword out just in time to save his neck.

"You damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, easily killing the leader of the Nematodes.

"Sougo, you saved me!" Kondo praised, hugging the little savior.

"He hardly saved you!" Hijikata exclaimed, "All he did was push me in front of the blade! Oi! Are you even listening?!"

"Be quiet Toshi!" Kondo exclaimed, "I'm thanking Sougo for saving me!"

"Kondo-san," Okita muttered, "I'm really tired."

"Of course you are, with all of that heroic rescuing that you did!"

"All he did was freakin' push me in front of you!" Hijikata exclaimed, "How in hell is that heroic?!"

"You're just jealous of him because you didn't have the guts to save me!" Kondo exclaimed, continuing to hug Okita, who was starting to get quite blue in the face.

"Oi, Kondo!" Hijikata exclaimed, "You're suffocating him!"

"No I'm not!"

Hijikata sighed and pointed in a random direction, "Look a flaming melon!"

Kondo quickly shot his head in the direction that Hijikata was pointing to, "Where?!"

"Ah," Hijikata responded, quickly taking the gasping Okita away from Kondo, "You must have just missed it." He then proceeded to walk out the door.

Kondo stood there, dumfound, for a few minutes before he suddenly exclaimed, "There was no flaming melon, was there?"

* * *

Well after two days (two extremely long grueling days) Okita's cold finally packed its bags and returned to Germy town. Okita was then called in to see Kondo in his office (if that's what you wanna call it). But was surprised to see that Hijikata was there too.

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "What's this about?"

"Well," Kondo explained, "I want you guys to go gather evidence…kinda… on this guy that we suspect of being a terrorist."

"Why us?" Hijikata asked.

"Well, you see…" Kondo drawled.

"What do we see?" Okita asked, "I actually see a lot of things. Let's play I spy. I spy something big."

"Your attitude," Hijikata responded.

"No, but close. It's your head."

"Anyway," Kondo interjected, "I thought you two would be the best for this job because… well this supposed terrorist is the leader of a program… that helps people in… gay relationships get along better."

Hijikata and Okita stared at Kondo blankly.

"And…well since you two are… you know…" Kondo drawled, "In a relationship… I thought that…well, you know."

Hijikata forced himself to smile while he responded through gritted teeth, "And what would make you think that?"

"Well, I mean, with the sex you've been having…"

Hijikata smiled more widely as his eyes filled with murderous intent, "Oi, Sougo. Why don't you tell Kondo what you think of that statement?"

Okita stared up at Hijikata, his eyes starting to water up, "H-Hijikata-san! W-Why are you denying it? I-I thought you said you loved me! I-Is it another man? C-Can I not satisfy you anymore. I-If that's true then I guess I'll j-just have to k-kill myself!"

Hijikata grabbed Okita by the collar of his shirt, and yelled, "What's your problem, Sougo?! Why do you always have to be such a sarcastic brat?!"

"It was a joke, Hijikata-san. A joke," Okita responded.

"Well if you guys aren't actually dating, then can you at least pretend?" Kondo asked, "I don't know else could do this! You're my only hope!"

And with that said, Hijikata and Okita were on the case.

* * *

Hijikata and Okita were now driving the squad car to where the supposed terrorist held his gay relationship meetings.

"Oi, Hijikata-san?" Okita asked.

"What?!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"Can I drive?"

"No!"

"Dammit! You're just like your father!"

There was a moment of silence before Hijikata wondered what the heck Okita meant when he said that he was just like his father. He continued to ponder this until they drove by a random old guy with a star tattooed to his baldhead.

"Oi, Hijikata-san!" Okita exclaimed, "Run that guy over!"

"No!" Hijikata responded, entering out of his thinking mode.

"Why?!"

"What did he ever do to you?!"

"I don't like the look of him!"

"That's no reason!"

"Fine!" Okita picked up his bazooka from the back seat and climbed out the sunroof, quickly shooting the random guy. (Don't ask me about the random guy with a star on his head. My friend asked me to put him in. It's kinda an inside joke. Funny thing is, I don't know what that joke is.)

"Why'd you have to shot that old guy?!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"I told you, I don't like the looks of him!"

"I'm not even going to try to understand you!"

"That would be a good idea for both of us."

Hijikata then parked in the parking lot of where the supposed terrorist gave his gay relationship meetings and both he and Okita walked to the front door. They both gulped as they entered the door.

* * *

**Author: Ah, another cliff hanger (not really). So anyway, I was just reading back through this story and realized all the typos that were in here. I wanted to go back and correct them, but I'm too lazy. Oh well, I guess those unedited typos just make it authentic…not really. **


	8. Names come with irony

Hijikata and Okita stared at each other, each waiting for the other to open the door. The contest to decide who was going to open the door was silently decided to be a staring contest. Of course I won (just kidding, I happen to not be a character in Gintama). Actually it was Okita who won, because Hijikata followed the rules of eye contact, and broke the tension be laughing nervously. (By the way, never have a staring contest with a cat, the don't have to blink for over an hour straight and the don't smile.)

So Hijikata opened the door and it opened into a large hall, where tons of various men had gathered. Most of these men had strange, kinda womanly haircuts and wore tight pants (that were found in the women's section at the store).

With this being as it is, Hijikata and Okita wandered over to a corner where none of these strange being resided.

"Wow, Hijikata-san," Okita muttered, "I thought you were a freak."

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "You damn brat!"

The crowd then turned to look at both Hijikata and Okita, who retreated back farther into the shadows of their special corner. But it obviously wasn't enough, because on of the men started to walk towards them.

"Hi!" the man exclaimed, in an even more girly voice than your average gay man, "My name is Silvio! Are you guys new here?"

Now Okita was never really taught the art of politeness, and when people tried he just ignored them, so when he was unsure of the sex of this person, he proceeded to stick his hands up Silvio's shirt. Now Hijikata was equally curious, so he didn't bother to stop Okita.

"W-What are you doing?!" Silvio exclaimed.

Okita took his hands out of Silvio's shirt, and turned to Hijikata, "Strange Hijikata. There are no breasts whatsoever. She must be extremely flat-chested."

"Check the crotch," Hijikata responded.

"You do it. I checked the boobs."

Just at that moment a slightly huge and muscley man strutted over to them and put his hands on the now sobbing Silvio's shoulder, "Oi, what's wrong honey?"

It was quite obvious that this question was not directed towards Okita, but he answered anyway, "We are unsure of its gender."

"T-They touched me in strange places!" Silvio cried.

Then slightly huge and muscley boyfriend, turned to Okita with an evil expression, and cracked his knuckles, "How dare you make my boyfriend."

Okita just stared at him blankly as the man propelled his fist at Okita's face. When his fist was right in front of Okita's face, Okita simply caught it and stared to flip him back and fourth, each time the man hitting the floor each time. Okita did this for about a minute then let go of the man, who then ran away with his boyfriend.

"These people are pansies," Okita said to Hijikata.

"No, you're just an obnoxiously reflexed freak," Hijikata responded.

"Hijikata-san?"

"What?"

Okita then slashed out at the Hijikata, who barely was able to dodge the blade.

"What the hell was that for?!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"I saw a fly on your heart, let me get it for you."

"You asshole!" Hijikata exclaimed.

Suddenly a the big booming voice of a middle-aged balding man filled the hall, "Welcome all! I am Yoai-sensei, here to help you channel the wonderful feelings of gay love! If you all will line up with your partners, then we will progress to our first activity: finding dominance!"

Well all the couples lined up, just as Yoai-sensei had told them, and it eventually was Hijikata and Okita's turn to go into the strange room where Sensei was evaluating the couples.

"Alright," Yoai-sensei smiled as Hijikata and Okita stared blankly at him, "Which one of you is the dominant male in the relationship?"

Hijikata and Okita stared at each other before they both stated, "Me." Then realizing what the had both said, they glared at each other in a silent argument.

"Calm down boys," Yoai-sensei responded, "There is an easy way to establish dominance."

"And what is it?" Hijikata asked.

"You guys engage in a passionate makeout fest. The one who breaks free from the kiss first not the dominant one."

"Does that really work?" Hijikata asked.

"It's worked every time."

Hijikata and Okita stared at each other. They were here to find terrorists, not to have makeout parties to decide dominance. But having to go along with it, they slowly inched closer to each other and their lips embraced. But after a few seconds it got a lot more violent. In the fight to gain dominance, they were pushing each other wildly, trying to get the other to give up. But eventually it was Hijikata who broke the kiss, holding his mouth.

"He bit my tongue!" Hijikata exclaimed, his mouth starting to drip blood.

"Hijikata-san," Okita responded, "That's only because you put in down my throat. Also, you're breath smells like mayo."

"You little bastard!"

"You're just mad because I'm dominant!"

"Well, the answer to dominance is clear," Yoai-sensei responded, "You, ape with the black hair.

"Eh?" Okita asked, twirling a lock of his brown hair in front of his face, "No, my hair is brown. Not black. Brown."

"Well, that's because you are not the dominant one," Yoai-sensei explained.

"What are you talking about?!" Okita exclaimed, while Hijikata smiled in the background, "He's the one who broke the kiss!"

"Only kids bite tongues."

Okita's hand shot to his sword, but Hijikata stopped him. Yoai-sensei seemed somewhat surprised by this movement, so Hijikata took it upon himself to lie, "I'm sorry, Sougo-kun has been experiencing some pain in his hips lately, so sometimes his hands just shoot to the side, it's not like he wants to pull out his sword or anything." Hijikata laughed nervously, while jabbing Okita in the side, which told him to go along with it."

Okita let his eyes swell up with tears, "Yes, I'm sorry. Hijikata-san has just been so hard in bed, I guess my body can't take it." Yoai-sensei had a comforting stare while Hijikata had the stare that your parents give you that says 'oh, so the lawn-mower just started itself and decided to run over the neighbors dog'. "I have bruises all over my neck too. He's…just…so…rough." Okita pulled down the collar of his shirt to show the yellowish bruises.

Hijikata, while wondering how the heck Okita got those bruises, had just about enough, so pulling Okita along with him, he exited the door, saying, "Ah, well you better get onto the next group."

Soon enough Hijikata had pulled Okita to their special corner.

"Oi," Okita complained, "Stop yanking my hair, it's going to come out!"

Hijikata assumed the angry-mother position, "Where the hell did you get those hickeys?! Didn't I teach you better than to sell your body?!"

Okita stared at Hijikata blankly, before saying, "They aren't hickeys."

"Then what are they?! Don't you lie to me!"

"Well, you see, I got this new paintball gun and I really wanted to test it out on someone," Okita explained, "And since you were gone, and Kondo banned me from shooting at any of the Shinsemgumi noobs, so I just tried it out on myself."

Hijikata stared at Okita for a few seconds before saying, "You shot yourself in the neck with a paintball gun point-blank, just because you wanted to test it out?! How stupid can you get?!"

"I thought it was a good idea at the time," Okita responded, pulling down his collar to show four more of the bruises, "I didn't feel the pain at first, so I tried again. It was then that I realized that the pain comes after a few seconds."

Hijikata stared blankly.

"But then Kondo came in," Okita continued explaining, "And since the paintballs were red, he thought I was trying to commit suicide, so I got the suicide-and-how-it's-bad-for-you lecture, when I wasn't even trying to commit suicide. Life can be a bitch. You understand, right Hijikata-san?"

"How the hell would I understand a crack story like that?!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Who would be stupid enough to shot themselves point-blank five times in the neck with a paintball gun?! And who uses red paintballs?! It's obvious that someone could mistake them for blood!"

"Then why do they sell them, Hijikata-san?"

Hijikata drew a blank. He didn't know how to answer that question.

"That's what I thought."

"Alright men," Yoai-sensei said from the microphone, "It's time to go into the next stage of relationships: sex!"

Well what he meant by this is that the couples got their own room and that he would be watching them on hidden cameras and if they were not doing good enough or not doing anything at all, he would…make sure that they did (what ever that meant). So, naturally, Hijikata and Okita were stuck in a room together.

"So…" Hijikata blushed, "Should we…"

Okita stared at Hijikata with a disgusted look on his face, "You actually want to do it with me, don't you?! You sick bastard! I'm telling child services!"

"You damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, "I'm moving to the left side of the room!"

Okita stared at Hijikata, "That's the right side. That's the second time you've mistaken it. Go back to kindergarten!"

But suddenly the room temperature started to drop at a very quick (like me on the track if you put a Twinkie in front of my face) rate.

"Oi, Sougo," Hijikata said, "Did you leave your heart out, because it's getting really cold in here."

"I see what you mean," Okita responded, "But I don't think that it's my heart, I think that you left out your sense of humor."

"You little bastard!"

"It's obvious that Yoai-sensei, kinda ironic name huh, is probably watching us and he wants us to at least cuddle to get warm."

"So…" Hijikata blushed. "Should we…"

Okita stared at Hijikata with another disgusted look on his face, "You just really want to touch me don't you, child molester? No, we are not cuddling, if you want to cuddle, cuddle the drywall."

"No!" Hijikata exclaimed, pulling out one of his many bottles of mayonnaise, "I'm gonna cuddle with the mayonnaise, because its not being an unreasonable cold-hearted bastard!"

"Glad to know that you praise me so," Okita responded, smiling at his awesome improved rhyme.

After a few minutes of Hijikata cuddling mayonnaise and the temperate dropping constantly, a smoke started to come out of the air ventilations system up by the roof.

"Oi, Hijikata-san," Okita responded, "What's that?"

Hijikata sniffed the air, "It's pot."

"That bastard's trying to get us high!" Okita exclaimed, "Well it's too bad that I've smoked almost all the pot that we collect in the evidence room, so I'm basically immune to it."

Hijikata glared at Okita, "I've been looking for that pot for ten weeks so that we could put that drug dealer in prison!"

"Sucks for you."

There were a few moments of silence before Hijikata started to act really weird, "Oi Sougo, do you see the magical talking lollipop?"

Okita stared at Hijikata blankly, realizing that Hijikata was starting to get high, "Yes, yes I do see the magical talking lollipop."

"Okay." Hijikata then started to rock back and forth humming The Good Ship Lollipop song. Okita simply scooted farther away from him.

This is when Okita realized that there was a mini fridge right in the corner of the room. He opened the door (as Hijikata started to incorporate his own dance to the song) and it was full of alcohol.

"That bastard is trying to get us drunk!" Okita exclaimed, "I am a minor. I shall not drink alcohol." Okita stared at the fridge's contents. "Even though I've always wanted to…and I want to know what it tastes like…and…"

Okita was just about to reach for a bottle when Hijikata stopped him.

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "What do you think you're doing?!"

"Hijikata-san, you're high. No acting normal allowed." Okita responded.

"The smoke stopped in the twenty minutes that you were debating with yourself about taking the alcohol," Hijikata explained, "I'm not high, I'm just stoned."

"Does that mean I get to throw stones at you?"

"No, I don't believe it does." Hijikata muttered, before leaning his head onto Okita's shoulder.

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm tired."

Okita then shoved Hijikata off him.

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "That hurt!" Okita then proceeded to lean his head on Hijikata's shoulder. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm tired, and I'm cute," Okita explained, "That gives me all the more reason to lay on your shoulder. Plus you're dominant, meaning that you have to support me."

"That's not fair!"

"Tough."

Hijikata then shoved Okita off of him. "You don't get to lay on my shoulder, if I don't get to lay on yours! I'm going to going sleep in the right/left corner with my mayonnaise."

"That's not a thing people usually want to admit."

"Shut up," Hijikata muttered falling asleep with his mayonnaise.

* * *

Hijikata was just in the middle of a (not so) important dream about a mystical dragon-fairy taking him to the wonderful kingdom of mayonnaise when he felt something touch his leg and heard quiet breathing. He opened his eyes to see that his mayonnaise was missing and Okita was kneeling over top of him, with rosy cheeks and a sick smile on his face.

"Hijikata-san looks so cute when he's sleeping," Okita smiled, his face nearing Hijikata's, "It just makes me want to…punish you!"

Hijikata was, of course, extremely surprised about this, his cheeks turning the color of a nice and sweet, ready-to-eat cherry tomato. This was out of Okita's character and he didn't know what caused it. Hijikata then looked over in the corner, by the mini fridge, and saw that a large amount of the bottles had just got their bodily fluids. Great. Now there was a drunken sadist on top of him. He'd just have to calm down and…enjoy it.

* * *

**Author: Ah yes, drunken love. It is one of the best forms of love because if the sex you gave out was bad, then the other person just forgets what happened. Kinda like when I throw rocks at children's heads. Fun can come in some demonic, un-politically correct packages.**

**P.S. I do not own Gintama, if I did Sadaharu would be a flying Anteater named Hamburger. **


End file.
